A Heartbreaking Ending...

It is with much sadness that I am ending this blog. As all of you know this blog was written as a scrapbook for Dimitri and Zachary to be able to reflect on their lives. I can’t find it in my heart to continue this blog knowing it was written for both of our children and the only pictures being posted are of Dimitri. Our family dynamic changed and Cicily and I were unable to come to any sort of agreements or arrangements regarding our children. There is and will always be three sides this story: My side, her side and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. For those of you, who only know one side of the story and not the other; please reach out to the other party if you have questions. Please do not make any assumptions or judgments before hearing both sides. This entire situation has been an epic battle and there are no winners because it is our children who will ultimately pay the price.

Unfortunately, when any relationship comes to an end there are those who “pick” a side. It is not what I wanted to happen, but it did. I appreciate those who have stood by my children and not taken sides because they both are and have always been innocent in this process. Thank you to those who made many suggestions to try and help this situation like a family and friend meeting, counseling, mediation, etc… It has not been an easy.
I assure you I have exhausted all probable possibilities and we still could not agree.

The last alternative in this situation is to use a court of law, but in Utah they are not many laws that would protect a unique situation like ours. The only alternative is to have one of our children sue the non-biological parent to see the other sibling. This has never been done in Utah court and I am not prepared to have my son experience any further heartbreak. I will allow him to make that decision on his own when he is old enough to make that decision for himself. I am sharing this on my public blog because I believe it is important for each of you to understand that this situation has been heartbreaking, sad and scary at times- for everyone involved. I feel that I have researched every avenue available. It is hard enough for a child to lose a parent but my children have now lost a parent and a sibling. Please remember that Dimitri and Zachary are the innocent ones in this situation and continue to love them as you would.

To my children, I am sorry. I am sorry that I made many mistakes along the way. I assure you that if my love was enough to fix this situation it would have been done. Always remember that I love you both with all my heart. You will always be brothers and that will never change. You both are amazing little boys who will grow up to be fine young men. And when that day comes I hope you find one another and you will be able to reminisce.

And finally to my dear son Zachary:

From the moment you were conceived I loved you. I love you more than words can express and I will love you to infinity and beyond. In my heart you will always be son. I was blessed to have you in my life for 3 ½ years and you will always have a piece of my heart and my soul. My heart, my life, my home is open to you. My love for you is immeasurable. Please know that I put up a good fight and I tried very hard to remain in your life, but I did not succeed. Life is not always fair. Just know that I love you with all my heart and you will always be my little boy. When you were born, I instantly had a connection to you. While you were at the hospital I would go down to the nursery to talk to you. It was in those very first hours of your life that I realized that love I had for you was unbreakable. This bond will never be broken. I will always think of you as my son. For a short time I was blessed to watch you grow. You already have an amazing personality, a contagious laugh, a smile that is breathtaking and you are very handsome.

Be strong with a soft heart. Love with all your might. Hold and kiss those you love, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Walk away from a fight if you can - it does not make you a coward. Be patient with yourself and those around you as we all make mistakes. Trust yourself. Listen to your intuition. Be loyal. Be kind. Education will always bring you knowledge. Chase your dreams. Think twice…speak once. Learn to apologize and never let pride get in the way.

Remember: I will always be your Mada. You will always be my son. Dimitri will always be your brother. I will always love you! As long as you remember me, remember us…we will always be with you Zachary. I promise you will always be with me. If the day comes that I am no longer walking this earth before we had the chance to reunite, always remember that I love you more than you will ever know. If you question my love for you or if you have questions on what type of person I am, I urge you to seek out those who were in my life and I hope they will be able to answer those questions for you. BUT…always remember you held a special place in my heart my dear son and you always will…always! I LOVE YOU!!!

There is a song by Josh Groban called, “Remember Me” when you are old enough to listen to this song and understand please find it. Here are the lyrics:

RememberI will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember

When your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me I
am the one star that keeps burning
So brightlyIt is the last light
To fade into the rising sun
And with you whenever you tell
My story
For I am all I've done
RememberI will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember me I am that one voice in the cold wind
That whispers
And if you listen
You'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out
And touch you
Then I will never die
Remember I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
Remember I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember
When your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me
Remember me
Remember me

I LOVE YOU DIMITRI & ZACHARY!